Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
