The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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