There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
