I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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