"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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