scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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