How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
