i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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