I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Its about making memories worth repressing
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm getting married
To pizza
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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