her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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