My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I think I sprained my soul last night
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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