Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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