Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
