When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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