Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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