Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
