Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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