Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
