I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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