It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
How drunk are you?
Completed.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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