why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
