the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
