I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
