Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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