giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
