She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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