I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
