The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
