She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
