Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
