I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
