The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
