You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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