she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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