just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
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