I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
