Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
