I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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