I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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