I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
