I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
