I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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