"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
