God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
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