I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
