Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
