I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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