What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I had to cum in my sink.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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