Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
