sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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