I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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