I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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