someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
