My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
sex in a hospital.. check
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
