He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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