Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
